The Slutty Doctor Conundrum

One of the hardest parts about being a doctor and being a sexually active kinkster is the shame that comes usually when someone asks what you do for a living, and you obligingly say you’re a medical doctor, after which the response is usually “Wow….”.

Now I have no qualms about reconciling my two selves, but I must say, I think I would be horrified to walk into a patient’s room one day and find out that he was the hot daddy with the giant cock that I had in my mouth the previous evening. Similarly, the last thing I want is to invite someone over and find out that person was previously my patient, most likely in the post-coital conversation that always happens with me as the guy is putting on his clothes.

And I admit, sometimes I slut shame myself for that, expect myself to be more professional, less kinky, more vanilla, for the sake of my professionalism. But the question is, should I have to?

We’re surrounded everyday by examples in which the media slut shames someone explicitly or sometimes even subtly, saying, “Did you know this congressman was found in a BDSM club?” or “This lawyer has been known to frequent gay clubs with various clients.” Not to say that celebrities, lawyers, congressman, and doctors shouldn’t go to bathhouses or gay clubs, but I have some friends who work in the media industry with their faces plastered on various screens every now and then, and they say they worry about being caught in a bathhouse or sex club.

As a doctor, I feel the pressure is even more apparent. I mean doctors are viewed as upstanding members of society. They save lives and are knowledgeable about the risks of almost everything. So if you saw a doctor in a bathhouse, wouldn’t your knee jerk reaction be to ask, “Uh what are you doing here? You should know better.” And I say that because those things have been said to me.

But I have to say something here, these places as I’ve written very clearly in the past, are places where people can express themselves and their sexual desires and experimentation in a safe place. If you want to practice safe sex, condoms are available. The same holds true for my bedroom in fact, where many a kinky thing has happened. And the shame that people apply to those situations, especially because I’m a doctor, puts undo anxiety and stress on a situation where that shouldn’t exist. I am still capable of handing myself professionally and being a damn good doctor in a hospital setting, and whatever happens outside of that setting is my own private and personal business. And sure my two worlds may cross, but I will hold my held up high and not slut shame myself. Because from experience, when I’ve embraced my sexual life and preferences and not shamed myself, I have faced no problems or obstacles, I have had no opinions changed for the negative and when they’ve changed, they’ve changed for the positive. So that’s that, embrace yourself and your sluttiness, and no one can touch you (except if you want them to in dirty dirty ways). And always remember, be professional in your workplace, and if someone tries to slander you, be sure to act in no way but a professional manner. Stay classy, slutty, but classy!


More explicit

Next week, I may consider sharing more explicit kink stories if you’re all interested. Not in the sense of erotica but more in the sense of “Hey let’s normalize kink a bit!” So watch out!

Chemistry, it’s not just a science

Ok seriously though, what’s sex without chemistry?! I’ll tell you, it’s a disaster waiting to happen. It’s that time you kept bumping teeth while kissing the guy you thought was cute on his online profile. It’s that time a guy said he was Dom, then showed up and just kept calling you his “bitch”. It’s that time a guy said he wanted to top you then lasted 5 secs before cumming. You get my gist.

The fact is this, you need chemistry to have good sex. And unfortunately, Grindr hasn’t found the algorithm yet to match people with good chemistry up yet (omg though if you find that algorithm, you can make millions). It’s about experimentation and trying things out, but recognizing that it’s not always going to be good, and that’s ok. Still some people may surprise you.

I’ve had quite a few hookups with men that not many people would take a second look at if they saw their grindr pic (I mean we’re talking some headless mildly pudgy torso pics), who I hadn’t been too excited about at the time and just decided to invite over on a very horny whim, and man oh man, did they blow me away (literally and figuratively). I’ve also had the opportunity to hook up with guys with super muscular physiques that I honestly thought, “How in the hell could they even want to hook up with me?”, and after they did, I thought, “Well now I know, pretty face does not make a good fuck.” It’s good to have our fantasies and to want to hook up with the “hottest” guy in the club, but trust me, more often than not that hot guy may not be the person who lights your fire in the bedroom. It takes a long search but sometimes, you’ll find something that just clicks and it’s easy and it’s fun, and enjoy it! Just don’t let your fantasies and ideals get in the way of you finding good chemistry, because it’s out there, and when it works, it goes boom! (I couldn’t resist)


On Polyamory and Pseudos

So I’ve been traveling these last two weekends but it’s no excuse to miss a post so I will make up for it I promise. I wanted to share something that’s been floating around my head for awhile. So you all probably know by now that I’m in an open relationship, and the most common question I get asked by people about my relationship is, “What if you fall in love with someone else?” to which I normally respond, “It doesn’t matter.”

Now to most people, that kind of seems like a cop out or a quick way to end the conversation, but I’ve realized over time the reason I say that is because it doesn’t matter, seeing as I’ve loved other people throughout my relationship with my bf, and he knows that. The fact of the matter is, I’ve met many men in my life whom I have loved, many of whom are some of my best friends and are the biggest supporters of my relationship. My bf has actually met and hung out with all of these guys, and we’re fine.

Here’s the deal, there are 7 billion people on earth, half of whom are male and are within the attraction pool for me, and I met my lovely boyfriend 6 years ago and since then he has been the person I love the most in the world. He is my best friend, supports me the most, and knows the most about me, and me him. However, I have other friends that I’ve developed intimacy with, that are also my close friends whom I enjoy the company of immensely, and who many people assume I am actually dating more often than not. And it’s true, I do love these guys, but not to the same level as my boyfriend. And these are my pseudo-boyfriends.

You see, you can love many people at the same time, and the trick is to make sure that you know what your feelings are to those people, that you accept those feelings and embrace them, all while being open and honest with all participating partners. It’s called polyamory, and yes it’s OK. I tend to believe that monogamy something that mass media has made us believe should be the norm, should be the one thing we should all aspire to, finding THE ONE. Getting over that status quo was one of the biggest challenges I had to do, and it almost ruined my relationship, mainly because I had to realize that my style of relationship was ok, that everyone participating was fine, and that just because society didn’t quite understand or accept it, didn’t make it wrong. What’s important in any relationship is that everyone in that relationship, no matter how many, is healthy, consenting, and happy. And I’m not saying that any style of relationship is better than the other, what matters is whatever works for you.

So I have a bf, and a pseudo bf. And my bf has his pseudo bfs. I also have friends around the world who I love and confide in who love my bf as much as they love me. And basically I’m surrounded by love. And sometimes I feel overwhelmed that I’m not doing things right, and that my relationship may not be working, but then I discuss it with my boyfriend and we make it work. And I’m ok, and good, and happy, and that’s what’s important.

FOMO, Gay Apps, and actually missing out

So I slipped, I downloaded Grindr again. Blame my friends all being out of town and having a good time and me being home not knowing what to do with myself and feeling like I needed human/sexual connection. So I re-downloaded it for shiggles and quickly went through all the stages of being back on Grindr. Let’s go through them shall we:

Stage 1: Ahh so I’ve been missing out on all these guys??

I mean it’s pretty great to see new gay faces, new possible sexual escapades, new hopes, new wet dreams. And at first, you convince yourself that this is great, now I can get in contact with all these guys that I have been missing out on all along. You actually begin to justify re-downloading the app because obviously, you wouldn’t have been able to meet all of these sexy gentlemen without it. So you send a “Hello”, maybe another “Hey there” and you wait. And then…

Stage 2: You get a 35-50% response rate (if you’re lucky)

I mean at first, people think you’re new, or they missed you from the last time you had the app, and you’re busy for about an hour or two. But then the responses get more and more sparse and you message more and more people in hopes of getting more responses and opportunities, but then…

Stage 3: Obsession and refreshing your Grindr list

You notice that you can’t go more than around 5-10 minutes without refreshing your feed, hoping for that buzz, that do-do-dooop that means someone may be interested in you. And while you’re horny, you’re also really tired and need sleep and you know that you’re not going to hook up with anyone tonight but the joys of being wanted and having a horny chat are far too good to give up. But then…

Stage 4: Radio silence, or at least 15-30 mins of no response

And you start to just wonder what’s going on? Is your internet connection working? Why isn’t anyone responding? Maybe I should go back and chat with that one dude who was kinda hot kinda not. Maybe I should add a “?” to the question I asked in the hopes of regaining that hot guy’s attention. And then…

Stage 5: You realize that you’ve wasted hours on a guy you’re never going to meet and you haven’t done anything on your to do list and you regret ever downloading the app to begin with…

I think I’ve gone through this cycle at least 7 times in my life, and it’s always the same. I feel like by not having the app, I’m missing out on some Gay Mecca that is hiding behind closed doors and can only be found online. But then I remember, when I’m not on the app, I actually watch TV without checking my phone every 5 mins. I actually read my book. I actually enjoy the company of the person sat across from me. And I actually stop missing out on what’s in front of me. So yes I can meet more dudes online, but I can also enjoy the company of the dudes and dudettes in front of me and already in my life. And I can also go to the local gay bar or cafe and meet people, because those relationships are actually some of the most fun to develop.

I’m not trying to shame anyone who is on these apps, or say that they’re horrible. They serve a lot of good in our community. But I kinda just want people to remember, they don’t have to take over your life and your time. And your FOMO may actually cause you to miss out on some nice things right in front of you.

So I went to the clinic…

…because a friend of mine, and let’s be honest, he was of the benefits variety, was brave enough to tell me that he had tested positive for syphilis (and I say brave because unless you’ve had to do it, you don’t know how much courage it takes). So I was told that I could go to the local Kansas Health Department for free screening and treatment. And I did…

Now after the nurse measured my weight and height, she took me to the room in the back surrounded by many diagrams of vaginas, uteri, penises, and fun sexual facts (and by fun I mean “fun”). My favorite diagram was one that conveniently told me how many sexual partners I had REALLY been in contact with if I THOUGHT I had only slept with 10 people… (can you hear my eye roll? And no I am not that good at math to begin to describe how many people I would be in contact with but suffice to say I think 6 digits is enough)

So then I was asked how many sexual partners I had had…

I looked at the woman and said, “In?”

She then looked at me and said, “Total.”

I looked at her and said, “You must be kidding?” (I had forgotten that I was in Kansas)

When I gave her a rough estimate (I stopped counting years ago because I refuse to slut shame myself, I like sex and make no apologies for that), she then said, “Oh we’re going to have to change that…”

Now I didn’t say anything to that comment, just silently took note of what was going on. Because I’m a doctor, this woman didn’t know that, but I know my facts, risks, and have grown to no longer be ashamed of the fact that I have sex and sometimes I get STI’s. But I couldn’t help but wonder how many other men and women had sat in that very seat and felt a bit ashamed of their actions after having been forced to recount how many one night stands they may have had ever.

So I got my treatment (and by the way, just a warning, when they say Penicillin shots hurt, they actually mean it), and afterwards got to meet the woman who ran the clinic to discuss my sexual risks and behaviors. She came in and I introduced myself. She was young, plucky, and sassy, and I knew right away that we would get along swell (where was she all along??). And one of the first things I told her was, “What the hell is up with that slut shaming poster telling people how many people they’ve REALLY had sex with”. She agreed that it probably wasn’t the most delicate approach and I explained that I was a doctor who worked in sexual and reproductive health, and we had a great conversation (all while my butt was still burning from the shots I had just received).

I explained to her my qualms with what had happened in the clinic, that we need to move beyond the slut shaming and number counting and recognize that people are going to have “risky” sex because often times it feels better, and while safe sex is good, so is good sex. (I thank my masters professor for that saying).She agreed, and I saw her tuck away the pictures of syphilitic penises and vaginas, which I insisted on seeing because I wanted the whole experience.

The thing is, I respect the work of these people. They provide an essential service in a state that is not very sex friendly, and they do it for free. But sex shaming should be left in the past. Making people afraid of sex isn’t going to help and in many cases may make them seek out more risky sexual behavior or even worse make them afraid of sex forever. Informing them in a safe space, in a non-judgmental manner, and allowing open conversation, like we had in the end is the best way to get a point across. In this day and age of PrEP and treatment as prevention, we’ve forgotten that HIV isn’t the only STI out there. And I’ve been guilty of this too (I do enjoy bareback sex), but we need to always remember that bareback sex is best practiced with individuals you feel comfortable with, and if you’re going to have it, be prepared to accept the risk that is other STIs.

Have safe sex, but have good sex people. And if you feel uncomfortable in a clinic, speak up, chances are someone has felt equally as uncomfortable as you.

New Year, New Resolutions

Ok, I hate New Year’s Resolutions…

I said it, they suck. They always lead to disappointments and crap. Every year, millions of people choose this arbitrary day, which by the way is like any other day, and state I will change this year starting NOW!

And here I am doing the exact same, but it’s with a goal in mind. I want to post at least one blog post every week for the upcoming year. I’m doing so in the hope that it may help me cope with the craziness (and simultaneous mundaneness) that is my current life. I mean don’t get me wrong, things are going well here: I have a job that I enjoy and pushes me every day, I have great friends, I live in a new place that am beginning to really feel comfortable in, and things are good. That having been said, I am a nostalgic person, and I always look back. I miss living in London every day. I miss Denver and the friend group I cultivated last year. I miss being in a, let’s say, less conservative town which might allow me to prance around in my underwear every week while being allowed to make out with hot men without being judged too much. I miss traveling and having the opportunity to travel (let’s face it, Wichita isn’t really an international travel hub), and having the time and money to do so (adulting is hard…). So this year is full of many new things, but simultaneously a lot of letting go of things, and this blog has always provided me with a way of clearing my brain a bit while also getting amazing feedback and support from whoever is listening.

So this year I will do a blog post every week. I will be discussing stuff from work and medicine, stuff about being a gay guy in Kansas, stuff about sex, stuff about love, and stuff about just general existential dread (yeah we’re going to get deep, balls deep you might say). And I want to push myself to find goals this year that are attainable and trying new things. So a blog post every week is doable, and will push me and remind me that even while I’m buried in work, I need to do something for me. And this year, I hope to clarify what goals I am heading towards.

In medical residency, it’s always hard to know where you’re headed. You have a general idea, but it’s not very clear because there are so many variables. I want by the end of 2017 for me to have a better idea of what that is. I also want to move towards being more content with what I have going for me than being sad of what I feel I’m missing out on.

So here’s to a new year, new adventures, and new stories. Thanks for sticking around even though I haven’t stuck around myself, and let’s hope we get a lot more conversations started in 2017!!

Embracing Kink

So this is something new, and something that’s developed kinda over time for me. As I have opened myself up to new things, I’ve noticed that I’ve been turned on by new things that I never thought I would be open to. And honestly it has kind of thrown me off guard. For example, I used to look at men in harnesses and think, “Hmm I don’t get it.” Then I went to Berlin and saw men walking around in them more and more and thought, “OK I have to get one!” And I did, and I loved it!

Then I started watching different types of porn. And honestly, a similar development started to happen. The more I opened myself up to new ideas, the more I began to fantasize and embrace them. Particularly for me, I enjoyed Dom/sub and pup play.

Now here’s the thing, it’s weird for me to admit this. I see the ridiculousness in a man acting like a dog, putting on a mask, popping a butt plug tail in his ass, and doing tricks. I understand to the lay person, this sounds ridiculous. Even breaking the news to my bf made him laugh and giggle and ask “Are you serious?!”

But the thing is this, this is something that turns me on. I enjoy being a submissive pup who once I get in that headspace, can let go the worries of my day, can just be fun and playful, and get in a mindset that is more animal and less human. I don’t think that there’s anyone in this world who can’t relate to wanting to slip away from their mind for a bit and just have fun, and this does that for me.

So the question then remains, why do I feel so ashamed?

And I think the answer is that while the LGBT community has embraced kink culture more than the heterosexual community has, I still think we hold on to our heteronormative values, where the status quo says kink is bad,filthy, and abusive.

But they couldn’t be more wrong. Kink is about embracing sex and having fun with it. Kink is about exploration and trust, because without a trustworthy partner, not only does it not work, but it just isn’t safe. And finally, kink is about consent, because with trust comes connection, and permission.

For a pup, finding a handler is finding someone who can take care of you and make you feel special. It means finding someone who gets you out of the crap going on in your human mind and just wants to brighten your day. It also means you get to be the fun part of your handler’s or another pup’s day. And what the hell is wrong with that.

So I’m here, I’m kinky, and I’m a pup. Deal with it and if you have a kink, embrace it. Have fun with it! Find your community and explore, because it will make your life (and your sex life) that much more interesting!

Brief Update

Sorry everyone for the radio silence, I have been just getting my life together after having gone through so many changes! I’ve moved to my Medical Residency Program in Kansas (insert Wizard of Oz Dorothy references), and am not just getting to the point where I’m starting to get into my groove.

Kansas is an interesting place to say the least, quaint, cute, quiet, has everything you need, very nice people, but also very conservative. In more ways than one it reminds me of being back in Lebanon, just a lot less chaotic. Still I’m enjoying it and just wanted to give a brief update before I start publishing more posts 🙂

Lebanese gays be like…

So I’ve been back in Lebanon for a visit for two weeks, and yup today I reached my threshold. Usually this happens much sooner, often within a week of being back, where I can no longer deal with the personalities and hang ups of the guys online.

What do I mean by this? Well let’s see, so far I’ve been called too fat, not muscular enough, and too skinny. I’ve been told my smile is too crooked, that I smile weird in every picture, and been asked if I have a serious picture (because of course smiling means I am a feminine queen who screams and laughs a lot, not that there’s anything wrong with that too). I have been asked for nude pictures, only to be told upon seeing them that I am not their type, despite them having seen my face and my body previously. I have been told that I am too young, too old, and too forward. I have also been judged on multiple occasion for being in an open relationship, been asked why the hell I would be on Grindr if I had someone who truly loved me. I have also been told that guys didn’t want to speak with me because they didn’t want to limit their ability to fall in love with me (in two weeks guys…really??), and also been told that in sharing some nude photos that the guy felt I was looking for too much that he couldn’t offer in return, and that I would fall in love with him (once again, two weeks? Love?? Really guys???)

Now this may seem like a rant, and that I am letting this get under my skin, but in fact it is the opposite. Whereas before I would let these things get to me, which would often end up in me deleting all of my online apps, now I am refusing to give in. Instead, I’m standing up for myself. See here’s the thing, these days, I am actually quite confident in myself. I have a loving relationship, I feel I look amazing, I have a job now, and graduated from my masters program. I have a lot going for me in my life, and I am genuinely happy. So when any of these people try and bring me down, and comment about my appearance, or my personality, I just do one simple thing… Block.

It’s as simple as that. Guys we don’t need people who bring us down in our lives, and we especially don’t need people who can say whatever they want without having to deal with the consequences, which is exactly why these people do those things behind the safety of a phone screen. I have moved on from caring about what others think about me, but what infuriates me is that these things are a huge part of our gay culture. So don’t let them be, if someone insults you, you don’t need their approval, block or report them. Even if they’re pretty, even if they have a huge penis, it’s not important (and yes the struggle is even more real when they are both pretty and have a huge penis). That’s an illusion, that’s all that those people have to offer. If a guy is advertising the size of his penis as his headline, then more often than not, he really doesn’t have a personality worth getting to know. And if they judge you because you are willing to actually show a picture that isn’t up to their standards, then get rid of them. But before you do that, be sure to drop them a line saying how those standards are bullshit, and that you are actually quite happy with yourself. Then block them, trust me, it makes it all the more sweet. And slowly but surely, you will start to feel a confidence in yourself that may not have been there before.

For me, I spent many nights here hating myself and giving into those very standards that I questioned. But not, no more. And I hope each of you reaches that point too.