I was 19. For many that would make me a late bloomer but hey, I found later bloomers and lemme just say, just cause we’re late to the party doesn’t mean we’re good at partying (if you know what I mean).
So why should I share this experience with you all? Besides the fact that it is a bit embarrassing, it’s because I believe more people should share their realistic first attempts at sex in order to realize how big a lie romantic movies (and especially porn movies) actually are.
My first time was from a guy I met off of a little website called Manjam. It was all the craze in Lebanon and the way most men met each other. After months of forming an account then deleting it, I finally gave in and decided to chat with people properly. Now mind you, my profile had very basic information and no picture and you were forced to send a limit of 10 messages per 2 hours if I remember correctly on your basic account (or else you would have to pay and I would have to use my credit card and my parents would find the payment in our statement and I would be outed and my life would be over, as teenage logic would have it). So I started chatting with some randoms. I remember the first guy I chatted with kept referring to his penis as a beast. Now I didn’t know what that meant, but I swear every reference to it was followed by “It’s a beast man, it’s a beast”. So that scared me to say the least.
Then met a man who seemed pretty decent. He was fascinated by the fact that I had never done anything with another guy and he wanted to be my first (that should’ve been my first hint). He showed me a few pics of himself but most were of him wearing sunglasses (hint number two) and he began to be quite forceful, turning blame on me if I said I was busy (hint number three). So one day, the stars aligned, and I had my shared apartment to myself and I was free to meet my lover. He messaged saying he was on his way and my heart was pumping out of my chest. He also offered to bring some food (McDonalds, very classy) to which I of course said yes (free food, duh). And then I heard a buzz at my door, so I went and opened it and there he was…looking nothing like his pictures. Well I mean kind of something like his pictures but sunglasses man, they can hide a lot (especially Ray-ban Aviators which for some reason are extremely popular in Lebanon, but I digress).
So me being polite, I invited him in, he looked around, sat down on the couch and I sat down on the couch adjacent to his. He asked why I had sat so far away, so I moved to his couch, and then he tried something that freaked me out. No he didn’t grope me or touch me inappropriately, he tried to cuddle me and kiss me. Now I don’t know exactly what I was expecting, and maybe blame it on years of adolescent boys calling each other gay for showing any signs of physical contact, but it really weirded me out. But I calmed down and began to enjoy it. Then he went in for the kiss. Now I had kissed a guy before in a harmless game of truth or dare (which turned into a not so harmless continuation of said kiss down the hallway from the game of truth or dare), but this was making out which could lead to something and I wasn’t sure I was ready. But we were kissing and he was quite a tongue user, and then he began to take off my clothes, at which point I realized, nope I wasn’t ready. But what’s a guy to do when he’s kissing someone, is getting half naked, and realizes he wants out, not to mention that this guy was in my house. So I carried on a bit, but out of panic, lets just say he didn’t have a chance to even get naked before I finished quickly (premature ejaculation for the win).
He said that was ok but he wanted to continue, at which point I said I’d prefer not to. He got upset and got dressed. I was relieved and got dressed. And then I saw him do something I would’ve never expected, he sat down outside and began to eat his McDonalds. I then began to eat mine too (free food, duh), but it was all in silence. After we finished, he picked up and left, and I cleaned up the apartment in tears.
Now I rarely share that story, only a few people have ever heard it but I wanted to share it because I feel strongly about what I learned that night, and I always believe that a mistake is something you should be ashamed of only if you do nothing about it. So here are the things I learned that night:
1- Never sleep with someone unless you’re ready. And when you decide to do it, maybe try and get to know the guy. Sometimes it works out that a random fling turns into a nice guy, but that’s quite rare. So first time, make sure it’s someone you trust and that you want to get to know. Which brings me to my next point…
2- There’s no harm in being picky. Ask for a picture, speak for awhile. If the guy tries to rush you, then maybe he’s not an ideal sexual partner (never liked a rusher). The key is to feel comfortable with who you invite over. Oh and never trust someone with sunglass pictures. Clear face picture or nothing! And finally…
3- If you feel uncomfortable, then say it. Because let me tell you something, you’ll feel a lot worse after when you do something you regret. Not to say having sex is full of regrets (it can be), but having sex that’s uncomfortable may make you feel bad about letting it happen. But only you can stop it and only you can decide when and if you want to have sex. So don’t feel pressured, and if you’re half naked and want out, speak up!
And that’s it. Now I’m not a saint, I have had many years of horrible sexual experiences following this and probably will continue to have them, but these are some things I like to remind myself every now and then when I get myself into a situation where I don’t feel 100% comfortable. It’s always ok to speak up and to stop things, especially if that makes you feel better with yourself and your decisions.